The hand that rocks the cradle

Romance and the Indian woman HEMA SUBRAMANIAM
(From The Hindu some weeks back)

Many women in a marriage suffer from contempt bred from familiarity

This article is written solely from a women's perspective. As I write this, I sincerely hope that people who read this article are provoked — into thinking, into debates, and into action. Our society has always adopted a patronising attitude towards a woman's need for romance after marriage, kids, etc. I find that many women in a marriage suffer from contempt bred from familiarity.

But let us start at the beginning. All of us have seen weddings. There is so much of hope and prayers that the couple should be happy. When you begin with such blessings, one would think that things can rarely go wrong. Initially in most cases, the euphoria continues. Then the individual expectations set in.

There are the usual "husband-wife" fights. Trivial things, when the making up is as much fun as the fighting. But that deteriorates. Children come in. And this is when the trap closes. Children play an ironic role here: they help parents bond over the their problems, health and future. They are also the reason that most couples agree to co-exist.

Simple problem

I had a close friend who had a very simple problem in her marriage. That of apathy. Her husband just took her for granted. He most certainly cared for her, but over time, he also treated her as a part of the furniture. Her frustration steadily gave way to anger and a need for attention, romance. Her in-laws were aghast at her talk of a separation.

They felt that unless a woman is beaten, tortured (physically/mentally) and cruelly treated, there is no need for such talk of separation/divorce. And what about the children? Well, my friend also felt that children should not be victims. So she chose to stay in the marriage, to co-exist with her inert husband.

I feel our society is evolving. I don't see women continuing to placidly accept their "lot" in the marriage. I believe most of our menfolk (after the first few years of marriage) get married again. To their careers or to the television. Or something else. The wife morphs into just being the mother of the kids.

What if the woman chooses to demand more, but not get more? Would she continue to remain trapped in a superficial marriage? Would she try and seek romance elsewhere (now I am walking on thin ice…)? If she has her financial independence too (which is now common), would it not be dangerous to take her for granted?

Many times, as I have voiced this thought, men have asked me to spell out what has to be done. They are genuinely puzzled. What do their wives need? The word romance makes them squeamish and embarrassed. My only solution is to make them go down memory lane. What did they do during the engagement period, when they were wooing her? What about those heady initial days of marriage? I admit they cannot entirely re-construct that. It would be artificial too.

'Smelly socks syndrome'

I believe that most Indian marriages are emotionally unfair to the woman. After all the attention of being a PYT (pretty young thing), then a bride, then a mother, and then… then nothing. Just the monotony of everyday life. A friend once told me that marriage and children kills all romance. That it is very difficult to be romantic about someone with whom you have lived for a decade. The "smelly socks syndrome." So now, we have a discontented wife, who wants romance, but would start giggling if her husband of 15 years begins romancing her.

I believe that that apathy, emotional negligence and boredom in a marriage are going to stir up a small revolution of sorts. What is disturbing is that most men do not even acknowledge this as a serious issue. It is dismissed as something trivial. One told me pompously that there were larger issues in some marriages. But if they were to actually question this need to be romanced, actually pose this question to their wives, sisters, friends, they just might be surprised. Isn't that reason enough to call for a change?

Maybe the author has gone through all what she has written and seeks to give voice to all those feelings.
"I believe that most Indian marriages are emotionally unfair to the woman." Why  doesn't she stop at "most Indian marriages are emotionally unfair".
Well life is unfair if you chose to think of it in that way.

Maybe the trouble starts at the source.Most people don't pay any attention to the marriage vows they have exchanged. The material things, the dresses, the jewelery, the choice of the marriage hall and of course the all important 'first night' and not to forget the honeymoon overrides everything Few ever recollect and cherish the solemn vows they exchanged in the presence of the Almighty.
For if they truly believed in everything they said on that fateful day the woman and her beloved partner would not find themselves floundering in this state of flux.

The arrival of a child which is the most beautiful event in Life. The creation of Life itself which connects us to the very point of origin from where we all started is now doubted, ridiculed and feared.Cursed is our fate when this is deemed to be the cause of a woman's suffering, the loss of romance and breakdown of marriage. Can it get lower than this

It seems to have become very appropriate to use the term 'romance' and beat it to death using the stick that no man never understands it and the few who have to good fortune of  perfecting the art are dubbed fakes and charlatans.

I have had it with articles like this one and the all pervading feeling that somehow  men are to blame for the sad and unhappy lot of their better halves.
All this while it is presented that men are gallavanting and enjoying themselves while the super-wives/moms groan and moan roughshod, unappreciated , unloved and starved of that all elusive romance.

I have had enough of pandering to this feeling of being constantly accused of having gotten into this desolate state the most beautiful creation,who shares my life, my equal in every way, the reason for my very existence, the blood in my veins and the mother of our children.

If the marriage is unfair to the woman it is unfair to the main in equal measure because they have sworn to share. If she is unhappy he is too and so they remain locked in a downward spiral like water going down the drain. Soon there is nothing left.

Why don't we call a truce ?

I set you free from the imaginary chains of marriage by which you think you are bound. Go forth and soar high unfettered by the cage you think you are in. Discard the robes of motherhood that weigh heavy on you and slow your progress. Cast away the anchor that is the family you married into, unfurl the sails of your newfound independence and seek out the romance your heart desires, become the carefree person you were.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey and when you find all that you wanted and never got from me I hope you will be happy.

Then spare a moment and think and tell me if you miss my 'Smelly Socks'.